WTF!!!!!

I'm about to share a very personal part of my life...... my weight and eating habits.

It may not seem like a big deal to many people, but all my life my weight has been a very private and personal thing for me. I am not sure if I was ever honest with anyone when they asked me my weight. I'm about to change that.. I think....

So, the story is: I've gained a lot of weight over the last 10 months or so, maybe longer. About a year ago, I was probably in my best shape ever, at a weight that I was very happy at, and felt good. That was about 235-240 pounds. I had to change my eating habits. Sugar was not my friend. The last thing I really wanted to was to be diabetic. I did really good for year or more. But.. then I don't know what happened... it came slow... but it came and then it came fast.

I noticed that when I brought my mom up here last year and started taking care of her, I was eating everything in sight. My family is all about food. When we were all taking care of my mom, my family, and I... ate and ate and ate. I used the stress as an excuse to eat. I do know that I am an emotional eater. I've known that for a very long time. I eat when I'm stressed, lonely, upset, happy... it was never hard to find a reason to over eat. After my mom passed away, I could not go back to my 'healthier' eating habits. In fact, over the last month or so it just got so out of hand.

Here are some things I need to change:
1. I am a big fan of candy and other sweets. I grew up with candy. I remember I always had candy. I am not sure if I can ever give that up, but I can't eat it like have have been this past month or so.
2. Bread- I love bread as much as I love sweets. To me they are pretty much the same.
3. I can eat and eat and eat.... My stomach stretches like I you have no idea. I have a hard time getting full. So, I gotta cut my portions down
4. Here's a big secret.... I'm a closet eater. All my life I have ate things that people have no idea about. Even when I lived with someone for years... I would eat things without them knowing. At work, I can eat something... and then out to lunch with others... like I never ate.. and at times, basically have had two lunches. Things like that... that's gotta end.

This last month has been crazy. I think when you gain weight, you tell yourself it's alright to eat like a mad man because at this point it's not going to make much difference. You know that's not true... but you do it anyway.

So... I got on the scale today. 278 That's a lot of weight. AKA fat!

When I was growing up, I always thought I was a fat kid.. all through school. This past summer, many relatives told me I was not a big (fat) kid. And when I look at photos, I wasn't.
As an adult, I always felt that I am not as big as scale says I am. I don't feel that heavy. But, I know I am.

I want to be healthier, and want my clothes to fit like they should again. I've tried every diet out there during my adult life. I'm not going to do one of those. I'm a bright guy. I know what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat.. and what I need to do to lose weight.

I'm not unhappy with myself for gaining this weight. But, I do know I'd like my body better if I shed some pounds. So.. I'm back on the wagon!

Father's Day

I guess my dad has been gone about 15 years now. The picture above is my favorite. An old friend did this drawing of him, probably about a year before he passed way. It's probably my favorite because this is the way he always looked to me. I don't really remember him looking any different than this.

My father's name is George Franklin Sistrunk. We had the closest relationship. But I do know that he loved me. He was not the easiest person to get along with.... ask anyone that knew him. In fact, he was down right mean at times. It's funny, I remember some really awful times, but also remember the nice things he did. I think the most memorable conversation I had with him was when he found out I was gay, which was actually just days before he passed away (I can get into this conversation another time). When he found out I was gay, I remember it was a very short conversation we had, but one I will never forget. He told me that he didn't care if I was gay or not, he just wanted me to be happy and that he will always love me no matter what. I think that's all I needed.

In someways, I see my dad. I don't drink like he did...everyday. I don't get angry like he did. I never hit anyone like he had. I think I have some of his other traits.. the good ones. I have tried very hard all my life to not be like him.

Many people have a bad relationship with their fathers. Sometimes we will never be able to change that.... I think when we are able to accept things the way they are.. thats when we become better people.

Happy Fathers Day!

This is what I know..........

...you should go with your gut feeling....

I called my friend Jim Rizzo today. Jim and I were good friends... or something of that sort when I lived in DC. Because of my stubborn, or my lack of life experience... Jim and I did not keep in contact for many years after I left DC. Jim's a great guy, always was, and still is. That's obvious. He got in contact me with a couple of months ago, and we have been talking often, it's like we picked up where we left off. He's one of those people you meet in life and know from the beginning he's a good guy, with a good heart.

In my experience, there are people you meet in life that have a big impact on you. You have a chemistry right from the beginning.. it may an attraction, an affection, a friend, a lover, a colleague.. whatever, but you just know that they mean something special to you from the beginning. It may only last a few hours.... or could end up being a long time relationship.

When I was talking to Jim today on the phone, we were talking about blogs, and started talking about one that he used to read... and he sent it to me to read, explaining that it was a great read, but some involved/intense reading. So, when I got the email, and opened up the link to the blog... my heart dropped. It was a blog of someone I had know that has passed away.......

I had started talking to Steven about 3 years ago, on-line... I actually ran into him my almost by accident about 2 years ago when I was on a business trip. I was surprised of how handsome he was in person, and what a great personality he had. I feel like we became close in that surprised kind of way just as friends. I will not lie when I say I had a crush on Steven. As I'm sure many people did. He did have a boyfriend that he always said sweet things about. We talked several times on the phone, but I have to admit, I am not one to talk on the phone like I used to be. I think he kind of gave up on me not calling him back. We talked about that, I apologized.... but... We did still talk on-line often. One day, while on line, he said he probably would not be on-line again for a while, because he had just found out that day that his cancer had come back and he would be getting treatment for that.

I tried contacting him in the past by on-line, I remember I had just dropped my phone in the lake, and did not have his number any longer. I went for a long time wondering if he was OK. In fact, just a couple of months ago, I sent him an email. I did not think for one minute that he was that sick. I knew no one that knew him, not even his boyfriend.

When Jim sent me his blog today, I had read that he had passed away about a 1.5 years ago. His family- sisters kept his blog, and wrote his last couple of entries. I also read what he had wrote since the time he was diagnosed again...the last time I had talked to him. ...he did not live very long. Honestly, probably just weeks after I had last contact with him. I can not tell you how sad I have been today. And maybe even more angry at myself for not cherishing a friendship like I should have. I have some awful guilt feelings... I wish I could have said good-bye. I never even really thought that he could have been that sick.

I am not a very religious person, but I do believe in something enough that makes me pray often. I hate cancer so bad. It's such an awful illness that brings so much sadness to so many sweet people. I saw what it had done to my niece, my mother and so many other people.

Again, this is what I know......
-cherish your family
-cherish your friends
-d0 not take anything for granted....
-do everything you can to do the right thing

And go with your gut feeling.... people come into your life for a reason. I wonder if Jim had not come back into my life, I may have never known about Steven. I'm glad he's back into my life.

I am so grateful for the people in my life.

Was I working..or on Vacation?

I just got back from a long trip down in Fort Lauderdale. I was there for work.... but again, I think I need to stress how much I love my job and how lucky I am. But, as hard as I worked down there (and trust me, I did work hard) I forgot all about the work part my trip and only remember the fun times I had there.

When I first got there, it started out with a quick trip to the pool, had a couple of drinks with some colleagues (I think that's the first time I ever spelled that word right the first time), then down to the beach for a little bit... I have the whitest legs and I am embarrassed to wear shorts. They needed some sun. Above is the view from my hotel room.

Later that afternoon, I had an opening dinner to attend with work people. That was relaxing and very casual. We all had a great time, again, it didn't feel like work. We ended up going to the Elbow Room (oldest bar in Ft. Lauderdale-1874). I probably had too many drinks, as everyone else did. We walked back to our hotel room... why we didn't get a cab I'll never know, so we treked the 6 blocks. Anyway, some car came up on the curb, bumped into me.... pushed me up against a light pole where I bumped my head and passed out for like 2 seconds. I woke up and had all these drunk people looking over me. I was fine, just a big bump on my head. .. which is kind of still there. I did take a cab the rest of the 5 blocks. Woke up at 7am and went to my meetings like nothing happened... except for my bump and black and blue marks.

So... I really like south Florida. Again... why aren't I living there? I feel that question will be answered in a couple of years. Every time I go there, I have more and more friends. So, for over a week I worked hard, played a bit when I could, and at the end.. relaxed for a few free days.

I got to meet a buddy I have been talking on line for over 4 years. Andy- he's an awesome guy. Met some other great people as well.. Stephen-what can I say about Stephen.....then met the manager of Kool and the Gang, Cleve- he's an awesome guy....

My friend Ryan N.. moved down there about a year or so again. At first we had a hard time seeing getting together to see each other... then I got to see him. Great guy. Why didn't I get pics of him?.... I have no idea. So, we spent very little time together but it was great. He's a terrific little southern guy. Met his bf, too.

So.. I'll be back to FL..both for work and play. I love the beach!